DRUNKS or WHAT DEITIES DO WHEN THEY HAVE BAD MONTHS

Characters

The Devil (Lou)
Drunk #1 (Frank)
Jack Drunk #2 (Stanley)
God

Act One

Scene: A dark alley. The backdrop is a brick wall, with papers, other garbage, and one or two trash cans up against it. A light is shown offstage from the left, representing a street lamp, and flickering at best. Against the wall is a shabby drunken man in his late forties, wearing old torn up clothing and clutching a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag. A man appears from stage left, middle-aged, with a neatly trimmed beard and moustache, finely combed hair under a fedora, and a pin striped suit. He strides toward the drunk.

Man: "Hi, Frank."
Drunk: "Wuh? W-who-howdyoo know m-my name?"
Man: "Just a wild guess."
Drunk: (with an exaggerated look of recognition) "Hey, don't I know you shumwhere?"
Man: "Maybe. What about you, Frank? You look horrible. Cheap clothing. You're soaked in alcohol. You're a bum."
Drunk: (Starting to get nervous) "So?"
Man: "No, no, Frank, you've got it all wrong. You can't stay this way."
Drunk: "I gottit! Yer my broffer Ted!"
Man: "No Frank."
Drunk: "Or issit Ned?"
Man: "No."
Drunk: "Jed?"
Man: "Uh-uh."
Drunk: "No, wait! I know! Yer not Tjned, yer (pause) uh-oh!"
Man: (Suddenly changing mood) "That's right, Frank. And have I got a deal for you! Your entire life can change; you can get out of this dump and move into a penthouse on Park Avenue! All you have to do is accept it. Whattaya say?"
Drunk: "No!"
Man: "What?!"
Drunk: "No!"
Man: "No?!"
Drunk: "Yeth!"
Man: "Oh. Would it help if I said please?"
Drunk: "No!" (starts trying, unsuccessfully, to get up)
Man: "Aw, come on?"
Drunk: "No!"
(The drunk finally gets up and hobbles off stage left)
Man: (yells to drunk) "Okay." (aside) "Even a drunk. I can't get the drunks to make deals any more. Everybody's gone nice. (shouts to audience) What's wrong with people these days?!"

Act Two

Scene: Jack's living room. The walls are orange and well-lit, except for the left hand corner. There is a couch in the middle of the room. Jack Dooley is sitting here, looking very sad. He is wearing blue jeans and a white button-down shirt. He is reading a pink paper which he holds in his hand.
Jack: (reading letter) "'Dear Mr. Dooley: Due to decreased funds at our company we have been forced to consider reductions in our work force. We regret to inform you that your services are no longer required. We thank you for your time and loyalty and will gladly provide references for any other button manufacturer in the area.' Heh. Right. They're the only button manufacturer in town! (pause) Maybe the mail has good news. (puts paper down and picks up letters next to him) (clears throat) `Dear Mr. Dooley: You are six years late on your payments for your vehicle. We have continually and politely requested the money which is rightly due us. Having not received it we are forced to repossess your 1987 Cherry Red ten-speed Schwinn.' Hmm. I didn't know they repossessed bikes. (looks at a different letter) 'Dear Mr. Dooley: You have already won the Publisher's Sweepstakes. Unfortunately, you never replied, and we gave the five million dollars to someone else. Sorry.' (picks up another letter) 'Dear Mr. Dooley: We have checked your credit rating and decided that we cannot accept your request for an account with our company. We regret any inconveniences this has caused in your life. Sincerely, Columbia House Records and Tapes.' (puts letters down. places his head in his hands.) Will it ever end? Can my life get any worse? Oh, please! Someone, anyone help me!"
(Enter Devil from darkened left-hand corner of room)
Devil: "Hi Jack. You have three questions for me."
(Jack jumps up, surprised)
Jack: "Now look here, mister, I have three ques --"
Devil: "Make that four. Who am I, how did I get in your living room, how did I know your name, and how did I know all this. Correct?"
Jack: "Yea, but... I mean... I don't --"
Devil: "Understand? I'm not surprised. Let me answer those questions for you. I'm called many names, teleportation, and two extremely lucky guesses. I make a lot of lucky guesses."
Jack: "Look, I'm in no mood to have some mind-reading psycho-maniac dressed up like a mobster play jokes on me!"
Devil: "You've been having some bad luck lately, haven't you, Jack?"
Jack: "That's none of your business."
Devil: "Hey, I can help you. I can change your life around. Ever consider going into crime?"
Jack: "I want some answers, right now!"
Devil: "Fraudulent stock!"
Jack: "What?!"
Devil: "That's the answer to all of your problems! You could make millions!"
Jack: "Look, are you serious?"
Devil: "Oh, I'm always serious about everything. Except comedy. And Rhode Island."
Jack: "What's so funny about Rhode Island?"
(The Devil starts to laugh)
Devil: "What's so funny about it?!"
Jack: (angrily) "Yes!"
Devil: (laughing) "Where do I start?!"
Jack: "I happen to like Rhode Island!"
Devil: "Do you?!!"
Jack: "Yes! In fact, I was born there!"
Devil: "Were you?!!!"
Jack: "Who are you?!!"
(The Devil regains his composure and sits down on the sofa. He smiles and calmly takes off his hat, revealing two horns protruding from his head. Jack attempts to sit back down on the couch and misses.)
Jack: "Oh, God."
Devil: "Boy, you're stupid, aren't you?"
Jack: "What do you want from me?"
Devil: "I want to help you."
(Jack is noticeably frightened)
Jack: "Well I don't want your help."
Devil: "You sure?"
Jack: "Yes. Quite."
Devil: "Aw, come on. Please?"
Jack: "You don't sound like the Devil."
Devil: "Well, I've had a bad month."
Jack: "Looks like the shoes on the other foot."
Devil: (looking down) "What, did I do that again?"
Jack: "No, I meant it seems like you're in my position."
Devil: "I never sit on floors."
Jack: "Look, that's not what I meant."
(Jack gets up angrily and sits on the couch)
Devil: "Well, what did you mean?"
Jack: "I don't know anymore!"
Devil: "Boy, your train of thought changes cars more often than the conductor!"
Jack: "Well, at least I'm not a joke for a deity!"
Devil: "Watch it! I could crush you..."
Jack: (smirks) "Yea, right! I bet you couldn't crush a small third world republic right now if you wanted to!"
Devil: (surprised) Hey, have you seen some of those small third-world republics?"
Jack: "I thought so."
Devil: (matter of factly) "I'd like to see you try my job."
Jack: "I bet I could do it better!"
Devil: (brightens up with an evil grin) "Oh! A bet."
Jack: (backing away) "Now wait a minute..."
Devil: (all grins now) "An interesting game. And right up my alley. Whattaya say?"
Jack: "No."
Devil: (shrugs) "Okay."
Jack: "Hold on. What are the stakes?"
(Lights start dimming slowly.)
Devil: "If you can take one soul... just one... all your problems will be gone -- a better job, a better, uh, vehicle, and all the records and tapes you want, even a stereo to play them on. But if you can't do it... I have your soul!" (Devil's grin widens)
(Cue red light fade on)
Jack: "Umm, I don't know..."
Devil: "Why don't you start with the drunk in the alley across the street. I'll be watching you."
Jack: (looking out the window) "How'd you know there was a drunk across the street?"
Devil: "Same reason I know your name."
Jack: "Hmm?"
Devil: "Lucky guess. I --"
Jack: "Make a lot of lucky guesses. I know."
Devil: "Well?"
Jack: "Well?"
Devil: "The drunk?"
Jack: "What drunk?"
Devil: (points to window) "That drunk!"
Jack: "Oh, that drunk! (pause, smiling) What about him?"
Devil: "Give him a deal?"
Jack: "What deal?"
Devil: "My deal!"
Jack: "Oh. What about your deal?"
Devil: "Tell him to go to Hell!"
Jack: "Well, that would be pretty mean, wouldn't it?"
Devil: "Well what do you want to do, give him a newspaper, let him relax, maybe even give him a drink -- he's already got that!"
Jack: "No, I don't think that would be necessary."
Devil: "Look, do you want to do this or not?"
Jack: (Thinks nervously for a moment) "Okay. This can't be that hard. It's a deal."
(The two stand up and shake hands. A light flashes behind the set and the sound of thunder follows. Jack is a bit startled, and the Devil laughs a spine-chilling, maniacal laugh. Stage darkens to a spotlight on the Devil.)
Devil: "Now I don't even have to do the work. And if Jack messes up, I get a soul anyway. If he should succeed, I get two souls. After all, never make a deal with the Devil!" (Devil lets out with another loud, chilling laugh.)
Act Three

(Scene: Same as act one, but with a different drunk person sitting against the wall. Jack and the Devil are standing against the left-hand side of the stage.)

Devil: "Go to it, Jack."
Jack: "How do I start?"
Devil: "'Hi' would be a good place."
Jack: "Do you know his name? Like you knew mine?"
Devil: "Yes. Stanley."
Jack: "What about his life history?"
Devil: "Unnecessary."
Jack: "You mean his entire life was unnecessary?"
Devil: "No, I mean you don't need to know."
Jack: "Did his wife leave him?"
Devil: "His wife left him."
Jack: "Was he fired from his job?"
Devil: "Hey, you're good."
Jack: "Is he out of money, and without an entire friend in the world?"
Devil: "You sure you haven't done this before? Look, just go and get it over with. I have to take a guy's life by twelve tonight."
(Jack walks over to the drunk slowly and hesitantly. Long pause. He runs back to the Devil.)
Jack: "What was his name again?"
Devil: "Stanley. Go!"
(Jack walks back again. Long pause, then he runs back to the Devil.)
Jack: "I just have to get this guy, right?"
Devil: "Just this guy. Quit stalling."
Jack: "One guy. I can accept that."
(Jack walks back to the drunk. He walks over to him. Another long pause.)
Jack: "Hi, Stanley."
Stanley: "Wuh? W-who-howdyoo know m-my name?"
Jack: "Just a wild guess."
Stan: "Hey, don't I know you shumwhere?"
Jack: "Uh... well, maybe. No, wait... lemme think... well, what about you, Stanley? You look horrible. Cheap clothing. You're soaked in alcohol. You're a bum."
Stan: "So?"
Jack: "No, no, I've got it all wrong. No -- you've got it all wrong. You can't stay this way."
Stan: "I gottit! Yer da guy who livsh across the street!"
Jack: "Well, yes, but that's beside the point."
Stan: "Whatteryou doin' out here yellin' at me for?"
Jack: "Well, let's just say I've got a deal for you. Your entire life can change; you can get out of this dump and move into a penthouse on Park Avenue! All you have to do is accept it. Whattaya say?"
Stan: "Sounds good. I'll take four."
Jack: "No, no, no, it's not that simple. This is your life we're talking about here. But, there is a catch."
Stan: "I knew it."
Jack: "You have to go... down there!"
Stan: "Oh, thatsh not sho bad."
Jack: "What?"
Stan: "Yea, I've been down there many times. The bartender's a real great guy. He serves me my drinks for half price."
Jack: "No! No! I'm talking about a deal with the Devil! Sign right here, sell your soul, change your life, and burn in Hell, all that stuff! Do you want this fantastic one-time offer or don't you?!!!"
Stan: "The Devil?"
Jack: "The Devil!"
Stan: "You?"
Jack: "No!"
Stan: "Well now I'm really confused."
Jack: "Okay, look. I'm working for the Devil, see?"
Stan: (pauses and looks at the sky as if he just noticed it for the first time) "Ohhh!"
Jack: "So whattaya say?"
Stan: "Yes!"
Jack: "What?!"
Stan: "Yes!"
Jack: "Yes?!"
Stan: "Yesth!"
Jack: "But this is Hell we're talking about here. Eternity and all that. I mean, don't you think you should consider it?"
Stan: "No."
Jack: "What?! You can't just give your life away like that! You've gotta think about things like this! I'll tell you what, I'll give you a couple of hours, let yourself sober up, and then tell me your answer."
Stan: "No! I wanna make the deal! I don' care if I go to Hell! Now where do I sign?!"
(the Devil steps in with a paper and pen)
Devil: "Right here, Stan. Just sign and you'll be on your way up!"
Jack: "And then on your way down, of course."
Devil: "Shhh!"
Stan: "Well, I don't care. Just gimme it."
(Stanley takes the pen and paper and signs it wobbly. While he is doing this, the Devil is smiling, and chuckling, evilly. Then he takes back the paper and pen.)
Devil: "Thank you, Stanley. Now go back to your old house. I think you'll find your key fits. You do still have your key, don't you?"
Stan: "Oh, yes! Never bothered to frow it away."
Devil: "Good boy."
(Stanley exits stage left. The Devil is chuckling quietly to himself.)
Devil: "You were good, Jack, up until the part about considering it."
Jack: "Good? It's cruel; it's inhumane!"
Devil: "Humanity has nothing to do with it."
Jack: "How can you do that to him? I don't know how you can stand it!"
Devil: "It's the business. You get used to it."
Jack: "Well, I'd rather not, thanks!"
Devil: "Unfortunately for you, you don't have to. But you showed promise. I'll tell you what, since I'm such a sportsman, I'll give you a second chance."
Jack: "A second chance? But you got your man, fair and square! I did my end of the bargain."
Devil: "Oh, no, Jack. You didn't capture his soul. I'm afraid if I didn't interfere, he would've slipped right through your fingers. Not that you were trying very hard to stop him. Nice try, but I'm afraid that catch goes to me. Don't worry, though, because I'm giving you a second chance." (Devil smiles at Jack)
Jack: "Well, forget it. I don't want a second chance."
Devil: "Okay, then. I win. Come with me."
Jack: "Oh, no. I'm calling this whole thing off. So I don't get my job back; I'll take my chances. Just forget the bet ever existed!"
Devil: "It's too late for that now, Jack. We made a deal. You owe me a soul. Either you give me one, or I'll have yours."
Jack: "Can I have a couple hours to think about it?"
Devil: "No! It's now or eternity. (the Devil's face becomes very stern, his voice is resolute) Make your decision."
(Stage left lights up, preferably in flames. The Devil steps near it and turns to Jack, waiting.)
Jack: "But, but..."
Devil: "I'm waiting..."
Jack: "No! No, I will not do your work! God forgive me for ever getting involved with you! God, help me..."
Devil: "Okay, Jack. If that's the way you want it, come on."
(They go towards stage left, Jack walking scared, but determined, behind the Devil. There is a large explosion and a flash of light from off stage right. Smoke billows out from stage right, and GOD walks out of it. The Devil and Jack both turn around in surprise.)
God: "Hey Lou, what's up?"
Devil: "You!"
God: "Me."
Jack: "Who?"
Devil: "God."
Jack: "No!"
Devil and God: "Yes."
Jack: "This is some night."
Devil: "What are you doing here?"
God: "I work here."
Devil: "You know what I mean!"
God: "Hey, I got a right to see what I made, don't I?"
Devil: "Yea, well even a sculptor has to pay to get into a museum and see his masterpiece."
God: "Bad scenario. I own the museum, too."
Devil: "Why did you come here?"
God: "He called me."
Devil: "Sorry. He has other engagements."
God: "I think he can cancel them."
Devil: "It's too late for that."
God: (smiling) "It's never too late."
Devil: "Oh no! He's mine! He made the deal, fair and square."
God: "And he appealed to me. Fair and square."
Devil: "That's not fair! You're always doing that! Stealing them right out from under me!"
God: "I answer everyone's calls. I never let the righteous fall."
Devil: "But I go through all that work. I toil and slave for days to capture one soul and all they have to do is repent and I lose them! It's not fair!"
God: "And you call your methods fair, Lou?"
Devil: (stares at GOD angrily for a few seconds) "He sent a man to Hell!"
God: "You sent a man to Hell. You told him so yourself. He tried to convince him not to go."
Devil: "But he's going to Hell anyway!"
God: "That's debatable. Why not let him live the rest of his life and find out? Or are you afraid?"
Jack: "Excuse me..."
Devil: "Of course he is if you fill him up full of that 'church' stuff."
God: (raises eyebrow) "Exactly."
Devil: (really angry now) "Why do you care? I mean if he was going down to my place anyway why even worry about scum like him in the first place?"
Jack: "I beg your pardon..."
God: "Hey. All fall short of the glory of me. Besides, I wouldn't be a good landlord if I didn't take care of my tenants."
Jack: "Yea, well, about my going to Hell..."
Devil: "I'll never understand you."
God: "That's why you'll never take my place."
Jack: "I was just wondering..."
Devil: "You can't save everybody and bring them up there, you know. Pretty soon it'll be overcrowded, and then it wouldn't be such a great place."
Jack: "How can I, uh..."
God: "I have space for everyone on Earth. A thousand acres each, maybe more. Speaking of 'great places,' your little 'business' doesn't seem to be running so smoothly."
Devil: "What? Business is great. Smooth as silk. Everything's fine."
God: "Try again and remember the part about omniscience."
Devil: "Okay, okay, so I'm having a sort of slump, so what?"
Jack: "How can I stay away from that place, I was wondering?"
God: "I figured as much. All I can say is, you'll do better soon. But remember, the End is near. Pretty soon, your time will be up."
Devil: "Oh, is that all you can say?"
Jack: "Oh, is that all? Well it seems simple..."
God: "Well, no. I can say a lot more. I have said a lot more. I'm God, you know. Why don't you try reading my book? It's in all the stores."
Devil: "Sh-yea, right! That flop?"
Jack: "Okay, I think I will."
God: (to Jack) "Excuse me, what?"
Jack: "What?!! (sighs) Oh, nothing."
God: (to Devil) "Flop? It's a bestseller!"
Devil: "Ha! Nobody really reads it!"
God: (looks pointedly at Jack, but speaks to both of them) "The ones who make it do."
Devil: (showing a little anger, but composing himself quickly) "God?"
God: "Yes?"
Devil: "You're a jerk."
God: "Thank you."
Jack: "Coming from him, that's a compliment."
Devil: (turning to Jack) "Hey, it's true."
Jack: "Who would believe you?"
Devil: "Do you ever wonder about a man who would dangle nuclear war over your head for thirty years and let you sweat it out?"
Jack: "No..."
Devil: "Think about it."
Jack: "I will."
God: "Time to go, Lou."
Devil: "You do that."
Jack: "I said I would."
God: "Lou..."
Devil: (Looks at God angrily, then turns to Jack one final time) "I'll be back for you, Jack. Trust me." (turns quickly and starts walking away)
Jack: "Yes, well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about..."
(Exit Devil stage left)
Jack: (turning to God) "Isn't there any way I can prevent it?"
God: "Seems to me you just did."
Jack: "Yes, I know, but in the future --"
God: "Oh, the future! Well, that's a very tricky place."
Jack: "How so?"
God: "Well, I made it."
Jack: "You're as bad as him, you know that?"
God: "After a few thousand years, it rubs off on you."
Jack: "Come on, please. I need help!"
God: "That's it!"
Jack: "What?"
God: "The magic word!"
Jack: "Please?"
God: "No, help."
Jack: (face contorted) "Aaarrgh!"
God: "Everyone needs help, including you. If you want to change your destiny, you have to change your life. Rejecting Mr. Potato Head was a good start."
Jack: "So now what do I do?"
God: "That's where my son comes in."
Jack: "What did He do?"
God: "He died two thousand years ago."
Jack: "I'm sorry to hear that."
God: "Oh, don't be; I resurrected Him."
Jack: "Ah, one of the benefits of being God, huh?"
God: "One of them."
Jack: "But what does He have to do with me?"
God: "Everything. He's me."
Jack: "What?!"
God: "I am Him and He is me. Goo goo ga joob."
Jack: "You're your own son?"
God: "And father."
Jack: "But --"
God: "I know, sometimes it even confuses me."
Jack: "It's worse than Kentucky."
God: "Shhh, this is the good part. You see, now you and I have something in common!"
Jack: "How does that give us something in common?"
God: "Don't you see it? My son was a man. He was human!"
Jack: "Big deal! I mean, I'm a man. Everybody's human!"
God: "Exactly!"
Jack: "That's it?"
God: "Well, it gets more complicated, but basically, yes."
Jack: "All that work for that? Couldn't we just catch a movie together or something?"
God: "Just follow the script, okay? You asked me how to avoid Hell. All you have to do is focus on that commonality. That unity. My son."
Jack: "But what about the Devil? That fire?"
God: "Oh, Mr. Party-Dampener will be back, just like he said."
Jack: "So what do I do about that?"
God: "You see, you're not concentrating on the right thing; you're still worrying about him. You look at him long enough, and pretty soon he is all you'll see. But if you turn away from him, and look at me, you've already won."
Jack: "You're being just a little vague, don't you think? I mean, why does everything have to be clouded with metaphors and parables all the time?"
God: "It makes you think."
Jack: "I don't like to think."
God: "That's why I have to do it. Don't worry, you'll figure it out. Just stick with my son and I, and I'll help you through it. I like you, Jack."
Jack: "I thought you liked everybody."
God: "Well, true, but don't hold it against me."
Jack: "God?"
God: "Yes?"
Jack: "Can I ask you a question?"
God: "You just did. Would you like to ask another one?"
Jack: "Why are there nuclear wars?"
God: "I created many things. I created the Earth. I created life. I created man... and trees, flowers, rabbits, fish, water, lentils, the Brazilian Tree Frog... anyway, I created all that. I did not create the nuclear bomb."
Jack: "Who did?"
God: "Your ex-friend."
Jack: "Oh. So why don't you stop him?"
God: "I will someday."
Jack: "When?"
God: "Read the book."
Jack: "Oh, yea, okay. Can I ask you another question?"
God: "You're on four now, you want a fifth?"
Jack: "What's so funny about Rhode Island?"
(GOD cracks up. He nearly falls on the floor in laughter. Curtains close.)