Act One
Scene 1
[OLD MAN bursts onto stage from center, shouting excitedly.]
OLD MAN: Meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly Meaningless! Everything is meaningless!
What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?
The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises.
All streams flow into the sea, but the sea is never full.
All things are wearisome, more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again;
There is nothing new under the sun.
There is no remembrance of men of old,
And even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow.
NARR. 1: Excuse me? Do you mean to depress the audience?
MAN: Ah, but these are the words of God!
N2: Can't you pick something happier from God?
MAN: Mmmmm... No.
N1: Oh come on.
I've heard the same God say along my path
There is a time to weep and a time to laugh.
N2: Yeah! These fine folk travelled 'ere, you see,
To be entertained with a comedy!
MAN: I dare say, laughter is foolish.
And what does pleasure accomplish?
Why should I have fun
When others have none?
And those who have it all
Will eventually fall
For everyone and everything
Must answer God's call
N1: Good grief, don't you ever cheer up?
MAN: I once tried cheering myself. Once!
N1: Ah, but our story agrees with some words you say,
MAN: Words of God! Words of God!
N1: Ahem,
For big events may take place, but 'tis only a play
Even the characters, who may have love or fame,
In this play don't even have a last name.
N2: Oh. I thought you knew it?
N1: Nope. Just Colin and Beatrice.
N2: Horrible names for royalty, aren't they?
N1: Shh! You'll give it away!
N2: No I won't! Relax!
N1: You see, amidst all this it's humor we need
Lest we let Satan and evil take seed.
There's a little bit of us in what we'll be seeing
And if we can't laugh't ourselves, we can't do a thing.
N2: So listen up, everyone, let your ears be primed,
To a tale which takes place once upon a time --
N1: About a year ago, to be exact.
N2: Shhh! They're not supposed to know that!
N1: It's okay, it's okay, go on!
N2: In a struggling kingdom --
N1: -- it did what it can --
N2: [glares at N1]
-- where humbly lived every woman and man.
N1: We find a sick king in bed off his feet
At home in the halls of Chateau... Huit.
[The KING is lying on a bed, COLIN kneeling beside him. The NARRATORS gradually part to either side of the stage.]
COLIN: How are you, father?
KING: Not very good, I'm afraid. By the way, I think we should have that doctor fired.
COLIN: Why?
KING: He was consulting a textbook as he was examining me.
COLIN: So?
KING: It was up-side down. Anyway, I don't think I have much longer --
COLIN: Oh, nonsense, father --
KING: No, no, be quiet. Don't waste my time with argument. Listen -- with me gone, and your mother now senile, you're the only one left to run this country. There are a few things I need to tell you. A few things I need to make sure of before you take over this place.
COLIN: Like what?
KING: For starters, be assertive. It's time to stop being so wishy-washy. This country doesn't like weakness. They surely won't stand for an indecisive ruler. Do you hear me?
COLIN: But father --
KING: No buts! Be assertive! Understand?
COLIN: [meekly] Yes, sir.
KING: Good. Now, remember, this country gets bored way too easily. Add a war in every now and then.
COLIN: Wouldn't a party be a lot easier?
KING: No, too many people would get hurt. Besides, we need too give the army some exercise every now and then.
COLIN: Oh.
KING: And don't forget to collect the taxes from the villagers on the first of every month.
COLIN: First of the month, right --
KING: Now you think you can remember that?
COLIN: Of course I can, why shouldn't I?
KING: You can't even remember to put the cat out at night, how can I trust you to my taxes? [starts coughing violently]
COLIN: That was only one night!
KING: [coughs] Messed the kitchen up something awful, he did!
COLIN: Well it's your stupid cat!
[The KING goes into a coughing fit.]
COLIN: Dad? Dad! I'm sorry, I -- I didn't mean it --
KING: It's okay, it's okay. One more thing --
COLIN: Yes?
KING: You need to find a wife. Settle down. Get married.
COLIN: A wife?!!
KING: Did I stutter?
COLIN: But why? I'm happy!
KING: Oh, you've got so much to learn. You need to secure your future!
COLIN: Future? I'll be King! [almost aside] Of course, I admit it's a dead end job. I mean, where can you go from there?
KING: Exactly. A king needs a queen! You can't just run a country by yourself. Who would take over after you died?
COLIN: Oh, that's easy. Umm... Uncle Ted! Oh...
KING: Yes. And that idiot brother of mine would [breaks into a coughing fit] ...would ruin the country!
COLIN: Take it easy, Dad, don't kill yourself -- sorry.
KING: S'okay. But you need to find a wife!
COLIN: But who is it going to be? I mean, haven't you arranged anything?
KING: Well, you know, the War came, and everything was happening at once, I kind of forgot.
COLIN: So who do I marry?
KING: That's another thing you're gonna have to learn. Soon you will be the King. You can marry anyone you want! [coughs] Heck, you can do anything you want! Uh, just be sure to declare it legal beforehand. [leans over conspiratorially] It's awful embarrassing to have your own guards carry you off to your dungeon.
COLIN: You're still a little sore about that, aren't you?
KING: [irritated] Yeah, yeah, well, just learn from your father's mistakes, that's all! [another violent coughing fit] [moans] Oh, I'm afraid this is it!
COLIN: This is it? Wh-what do I do? Shall I go get a servant? Where's the doctor?
KING: NO! No, not the doctor! [coughs some more] [and another one, just for good measure]
COLIN: Oh yeah, right.
KING: Just remember what I told you, son. [cough] Find a wife!
COLIN: Wait, Dad, where do you keep the keys to the Royal Chariot?
KING: [cough] Find... a... wife.
[The KING expires.]
COLIN: Oh, dear. Goodbye, Dad. [pause] Now what? [standing] Now what do I do? Mother is not fit to run a country. If only she had her wits about her! But am I? Oh, if only I had passed my Medieval Tyrannies class! Was Father the only mortal who could handle this wretched land's affairs? Ah, but now he's dead. Oh what a wretched life has wealth! If only I were born of a commoner, bereft of all responsibilities and expectations. I would aspire to be nothing, and nothing I would become! I would be free from all obligation, save for that of the land. The dirty land, the toiling land, under the hot, tormenting sun. No servants, no luxuries. No air conditioning. No MTV. Maybe nobility has its advantages after all. If only... if only. This world is full of if onlies!
[Enter QUEEN.]
Ah, Mother, there you are.
QUEEN: I just had the most intriguing conversation with our philodendron...
COLIN: It's Father, Mother --
QUEEN: Yes, where is he? He's kept himself locked up in these chambers for so long; it's about time he got out in the fresh air.
COLIN: He's dead, Mother.
QUEEN: Dead? Nonsense, it's only a cold. There's no need to write him off already.
COLIN: No, Mother, he is dead.
QUEEN: Oh, quit overreacting. Our anniversary's next week. I have the most wonderful plans for it. Oh, I know he'll just love it!
COLIN: Mother, come look. He passed away not two minutes ago.
QUEEN: Dead? Oh dear.
COLIN: I'm sorry, Mother.
QUEEN: He's certainly in no shape to attend Lord Taylor's dinner party. We'll have to make an excuse. I must go send our apologies...
COLIN: Could you call the servant on your way out?
QUEEN: Certainly. [yells] Servant!
[Exit QUEEN.]
COLIN: [wincing] Thank you.
[Enter SERVANT.]
SERVANT: You bellowed, sir?
COLIN: [stands erect, clears throat] The King is dead.
SERVANT: [acts surprised, drops to his knees] Long live the King!
COLIN: Look, there's no time for that now --
SERVANT: I hereby pledge my life and loyalty to you, King Colin, defender of the faith, keeper of the country of --
COLIN: Yes, yes, yes, never mind that, just notify everyone you're supposed to notify.
SERVANT: Who shall I notify first, your majesty?
COLIN: I don't know, who do you usually notify first?
SERVANT: The King, your majesty.
COLIN: Well he's dead, isn't he?
SERVANT: I guess that leaves you, your majesty.
COLIN: Okay, who do you notify after you've notified the King and I?
SERVANT: I've never seen that play, your majesty.
COLIN: SHUT - UP.
SERVANT: I beg forgiveness, your majesty.
COLIN: And quit calling me "your majesty" after everything you say.
SERVANT: (ahem) Sorry, your, uh, sir... ness.
COLIN: Now, who do you notify next?
SERVANT: I don't know, um, sir, the King's usually taken care of it by now. Uh, no offense. Not that you couldn't have taken care of it under normal circumstances.
COLIN: That's quite alright. Just arrange for a proper funeral.
SERVANT: Yes, sir.
COLIN: And fire the doctor.
[Exeunt.]
Scene 2
[A room in Chateau Huit.]
[Enter COLIN and NARRATORS.]
N1: They fired the doctor without further ado
To prove that King Colin's words were true --
N2: Don't say that. That's unimportant. They don't need to hear that.
N1: Sure they do. Now they know he won't be in the rest of the play.
N2: He wasn't in the beginning.
N1: Oh.
N2: Let me do it:
And so Colin started the search for a wife
While the rest of the kingdom was feeling more strife.
N1: Don't tell them that!
N2: Why not? They'll know soon enough.
N1: But let them find out in the story!
N2: Well it's too late now.
[Exit NARRATORS.]
COLIN: Hmm. King Colin. King Colin the Magnificent.
[Enter SERVANT.]
Colin the Great. Colin the Destroyer!
SERVANT: Colin the Dope.
COLIN: Excuse me?
SERVANT: Oh, um, Lady Dierdre is here to see you, your maj - uh, sir.
COLIN: Servant, wait.
SERVANT: Yes, sir?
COLIN: These clothes don't fit me. All of the kingly attire was made for my father. None of it fits me!
SERVANT: Right, sir. Perhaps you should ask the Royal Tailor to take them in for you?
COLIN: Oh, yeah, right. I knew that. Okay, show Lady Dierdre in, then.
[Enter DIERDRE.]
COLIN: My Lady, how nice to see you. [he takes her hand and kisses it.]
DIERDRE: I wish I could say the same. [she wipes her hand disgustedly on her dress.]
COLIN: Your kingdom is doing well, I take it?
DIERDRE: Better than this dump of yours.
COLIN: I see, uh... I heard Count Cargeau is having some trouble.
DIERDRE: Oh, he'll be fine, after the surgery.
COLIN: And how is his wife?
DIERDRE: Countess Cargeau? She's coping well. Prince Colin, I --
COLIN: King Colin.
DIERDRE: Right, look, Colin, I don't mean to be rude, but, why did you call me here?
COLIN: Well, you've heard about my father's death...
DIERDRE: [icily] Yes, our family sent its condolences.
COLIN: Yes, well, now that I'm King, that puts me in an awkward position, not having a Queen and all...
DIERDRE: [suspiciously] Yes?
COLIN: Which means I need a wife, you see, and... Well...
DIERDRE: Get to the point.
COLIN: Well, Lady Dierdre, will you marry me?
DIERDRE: You? Ha! I'd sooner marry a fool than I would you! You're foolish, arrogant and incompetent!
COLIN: But you could be Queen!
DIERDRE: Of this country? Who would want to? It's nothing but a festering landfill of impoverished leprous ants! And you... you, who couldn't even lead a lemming! You don't know one bit about what goes on in the world out there! How fitting that you should become king of this land! King Colin the Clueless is what they should call you!
COLIN: A simple 'no' would have sufficed.
DIERDRE: I'm afraid that's all you would understand.
COLIN: Enough! I have better things to do than stand here and listen to this. Servant, show the Lady out!
[Exit COLIN.]
SERVANT: My Lady, if I might have a word with you.
DIERDRE: Yes, what is it?
SERVANT: Is it possible to persuade you to change your mind?
DIERDRE: What, and actually marry the little piece of pocket lint? Get real!
SERVANT: Well, yes, but what if his Royal Lintness happened to meet with an accident after the marriage?
DIERDRE: And how are we to be certain such an accident would happen?
SERVANT: It... could be arranged, my lady.
DIERDRE: And what do you hope to gain from this?
SERVANT: Well, after he dies, you'll probably need some help. Perhaps... another king.
DIERDRE: You? A king?! Ha!
SERVANT: Oh, let's face it, you don't have much experience with running countries, and I have been the King's servant for many years.
DIERDRE: Yes, but me, marry you? Get real! After going through all that to get rid of the old one?
SERVANT: Hmm. Perhaps a behind the scenes man, then. An -- advisor.
DIERDRE: [accusingly] Who wields all the real power?
SERVANT: Power is an illusion.
DIERDRE: Perhaps... but anyway, I already turned him down. Outright.
SERVANT: Tell him you changed your mind.
DIERDRE: Just like that? My rejection was quite definite. Won't such a sudden change of heart be suspect?
SERVANT: My lady! This is King Colin.
DIERDRE: Oh yes, you're right. He's too simple to think it the least bit strange. We... never had this conversation, servant.
SERVANT: Understood, my lady.
Scene 3
[Same as Scene 2. COLIN and SERVANT are seated at a table.]
[Enter NARRATORS.]
N2: So Colin kept on looking for a Queen to share his reign
N1: Although the more he tried the more it seemed he searched in vain.
N2: They know that.
N1: No they don't.
N2: The town --
N1: Meanwhile --
The town grew unhappy without the old King,
And disgruntled workers would turn to the knife.
The days went by quickly, though most unaware
That soon will all royalty fear for their life.
[Exit NARRATORS, N2 fuming.]
SERVANT: 4 C.
COLIN: Miss. 8 J?
SERVANT: Hit. You sank my battleship!
COLIN: Yeah. Alright!
SERVANT: Is something wrong, sir?
COLIN: No -- yes! [pause] I've seen six women so far, and none of them like me! [another pause] I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me!
[Enter QUEEN.]
QUEEN: Hello, Colin! Father and I are back from our anniversary dinner.
COLIN: Mother. Excuse me, servant.
QUEEN: Oh, you should've been there, it was delightful!
COLIN: Umm, right.
QUEEN: Father's been acting awfully strange lately. So quiet...
COLIN: He's dead, Mother!
QUEEN: Don't let yourself be fooled. There's foul play in the air! A conspiracy in the planning. Intrigue. Danger. [almost whispered, piercing eyes] Murder!
SERVANT: [coughs nervously] Should we get back to the game, sir?
COLIN: Now, Mother, you've had a busy day...
SERVANT: Umm, my turn, I believe. 2 B.
QUEEN: Watch yourself, son. Trust no one. They're around every corner.
COLIN: Have you been watching Dragnet on TV again?
SERVANT: [clears throat loudly] Sir?
COLIN: What is so important, servant?
SERVANT: The game, sir. Is it 2 B or not 2 B?
COLIN: That's the question?!
SERVANT: Yes, that is the question!
COLIN: Can't we continue this game some other time?
SERVANT: If you think it a nobler use of time to humor the flings and ramblings of a deranged person --
COLIN: She happens to be my mother!
SERVANT: Well, you can't help that. Sir.
QUEEN: Oh, there's a spot on my dress! [clicks tongue] That father of yours is so clumsy with his wine, you know.
SERVANT: See what I mean, sir. You can't possibly take anything she says seriously.
COLIN: Enough! I'll decide what to take seriously. And Mother, no more Nickelodeon late at night!
QUEEN: Drat, this dress will ne'er be clean.
COLIN: And I'm taking away all your Agatha Christie novels.
QUEEN: Fall is so lovely this time of year...
COLIN: Are you listening to me, Mother?
QUEEN: A splendid time for a romance...
COLIN: Mother!
QUEEN: How is your search for a wife going, dear?
COLIN: Have you heard me, Mother?
QUEEN: Yes, dear. Have you found one, yet?
COLIN: Uh, I... no, I haven't. I've seen six women -- five have rejected me, and one was bigger than our Clydesdales -- all twenty of them put together!
QUEEN: That's nice, dear. It's so nice that you're getting out.
COLIN: But I'm not getting out! They're coming here! I'm staying cooped up in this musty castle!
QUEEN: Well it's good to know you're getting some fresh air and sunshine.
COLIN: But -- uh -- oh, never mind. In fact, I think I could use some fresh air. Servant, prepare the Royal Chariot.
SERVANT: Do you have the keys, sir?
COLIN: Doh! Forget it, let's just walk.
[Exit COLIN and SERVANT.]
[Exit QUEEN, rubbing at spot on her dress.]
Act Two
Scene Whatever
[COLIN and SERVANT are in the background. Enter NARRATORS.]
N1: And so they went on their merry way --
N2: No they didn't.
N1: What?
N2: They met up with a rabid wolf on their ill-fated way,
And there they were attacked and killed -- end of play!
N1: I don't think so.
N2: No?
N1: I hardly think we can end the play there.
What about the audience? It just isn't fair!
They've come from far away and worked so hard all day
They didn't pay to see this --
N2: Huh! They didn't pay!
N1: Be that as it may, there was no wolf I say!
N2: Well, they did meet up with a tiger --
N1: There are no tigers in this area!
N2: It was a very small tiger.
N1: That's not the point --
N2: -- named Ralph.
N1: I don't care what its name is --
N2: Oh, it was a glorious fight, let me tell the story --
COLIN: Excuse me, could we just get on with it?
N2: Very well.
N1: And so they went on their merry way,
Through the kingdom on a sunny day.
N2: I think it was raining --
N1: SHUT UP!
[Exit NARRATORS. COLIN and SERVANT start walking.]
COLIN: [looking over his shoulder] Did you see what that bird did to me?
SERVANT: No, sir.
COLIN: It just isn't fair!
SERVANT: It's just a little bird dropping, sir. It can be cleaned.
COLIN: No, no, I mean this whole 'king needs a queen' thing. I mean, it's a joke!
SERVANT: How so?
COLIN: I'm not even courting. I'm interviewing job applicants!
SERVANT: Well, it does cut down on all that messy romance.
COLIN: There must be some other way to do this.
SERVANT: Perhaps if you asked for resumes...
COLIN: I mean, it's made me incapable of emotion. I'll be so busy searching I won't have time to fall in love.
SERVANT: Or run a country.
COLIN: Hmm?
SERVANT: Perhaps you don't need to look so far.
COLIN: Who? Why?
SERVANT: Perhaps, Lady Dierdre...
COLIN: Lady Dierdre?! She hates me!
SERVANT: I think she was warming up to you towards the end.
COLIN: You think so?
[Enter OLD MAN.]
MAN: Beware the Ides of March!
COLIN: Who's that?
SERVANT: Oh, it's just a crazy old man, sir, ignore him.
MAN: Beware the Ides of March!
COLIN: The Ides of March?
MAN: Oh, sorry, wrong event. Um, beware the sixth of June!
COLIN: What? But that's today!
MAN: Oh, is it? [takes out his pocket calendar] Oh, so it is! [flips through his calendar] Um, next Tuesday. Yeah, that's it. That's the one. Next Tuesday. Beware next Tuesday!
COLIN: Darn, that's my bowling night. Couldn't it be on Wednesday?
MAN: [still looking at calendar] Nope, nope, I'm afraid not. [begins to shout] Beware ne --
COLIN: Look, that's all very well, but I have more important matters. I've grown tired of this man. Let's keep walking.
MAN: Hey! Hey, wait a minute. Come back!
[Exit OLD MAN, backing away as if he is stationary and they are walking away from him.]
COLIN: Anyway, you really think Dierdre likes me?
SERVANT: Well, it's possible.
COLIN: Yes, but I don't want to spend my life with someone I don't really like, alone and unhappy.
SERVANT: Pah! Who needs love?
COLIN: What? What are you talking about?
SERVANT: Come on, you're a king! You've got more important things to worry about, like purple robes, and crowns, and speeches with lots of trumpets. How do you keep from tripping over those robes anyway?
COLIN: Don't be crazy! I want to care for the woman I marry! I don't want to be unhappy the rest of my life!
SERVANT: I don't think you'll need to worry about it anyway, sir.
COLIN: Why do you say that?
[Enter PEASANT.]
PEASANT: Hey sir, can you lend me some change for a hot dog?
COLIN: And what have you done to earn that money?
PEASANT: Oh, I spent all day in your field, sire.
COLIN: Well if you went and found some work instead of standing around in a field all day you'd have your own money, wouldn't you?
PEASANT: Whu -- I, uh __
COLIN: That's what I thought.
PEASANT: But Your Majesty, I --
COLIN: Don't even bother, Peasant! Away with you, you bore me!
[Exit PEASANT, same fashion as old man.]
SERVANT: The nerve of some people!
COLIN: I know; do they think I'm made of money?
SERVANT: Really! They know you need it more than they do.
COLIN: Oh, be fair. How would they know that?
SERVANT: They see you take it from them every tax day.
COLIN: Ssh! Servant! Look! Over there! [points]
[Enter BEATRICE.]
SERVANT: What? All I see is a peasant girl in a field, sir.
COLIN: No, no, no. It is the East, and she is, uh, well, something very beautiful that would be in the East.
SERVANT: Um, right.
COLIN: I must go talk to her.
SERVANT: Talk to her? You're getting tired, sir. We should be on our way home.
COLIN: No! I must see her. But -- she can't know who I am.
SERVANT: Why?
COLIN: Because if she knows I am a king, she'll fall for me immediately.
SERVANT: Oh, like those other five?
COLIN: Shut up! Wait here.
SERVANT: Hold on, you've lost me. Don't you want her to fall for you? I mean, isn't that the desired effect we're aiming for here? Why don't you just tell her who you are, and let her fall into your arms?
COLIN: [stands there with a blank stare for a few seconds] We can't do it that way. This is the way it's done in the movies.
SERVANT: It's getting awfully late.
COLIN: Just wait here!
[COLIN approaches BEATRICE.]
Milady.
BEATRICE: Waaa!
COLIN: Do not be scared, Milady. I am Ki -- uh, Colin.
BEATRICE: Oh. Colin? King Colin?
COLIN: No, no, just Colin.
BEATRICE: You're not the King?
COLIN: Of course not, don't be ridiculous!
BEATRICE: Then why are you wearing all those kingly robes and that crown?
COLIN: Oh, this? This is just something I wear on a walk, it doesn't mean a thing, really!
SERVANT: [whispering, hiding behind a bush] Oh, why don't you tell her the truth and go home, this is ridiculous!
BEATRICE: No, you're the King, I know it. I've seen pictures.
COLIN: Okay, okay, so I'm King Colin. What of it?
BEATRICE: Wow! I've never seen a real king before!
COLIN: And I've never seen someone so beautiful. Oh, excuse me.
BEATRICE: Oh, it's okay.
SERVANT: [still whispering] Oh, very smooth, your Casanovaness.
[COLIN kicks SERVANT.]
[Both stand there awkwardly for a few seconds.]
COLIN: Um, may I have the pleasure of knowing your name?
BEATRICE: You may.
[pause]
COLIN: Well, what is it?
BEATRICE: Oh! Um, Beatrice.
COLIN: Beatrice?
BEATRICE: I know, it's not much of a name, but --
COLIN: No, no, it's a beautiful name!
BEATRICE: Well, what's in a name, anyway? You know, that which we call a rose, by any other name --
COLIN: But why talk of roses?
BEATRICE: Well it's just an expression.
SERVANT: [still whispering] Or plagiarism.
COLIN: Look, all I mean is, it's ridiculous to compare you to a flower, I mean, you're much more lovely. L-look, a rose can't make the facial expressions you do, it doesn't have that lost, forlorn look in your eyes --
BEATRICE: That's hunger. I haven't eaten in two days.
COLIN: Oh. But that flushed look.
BEATRICE: Sunburn. I've been picking beans all day.
COLIN: Your face has the perfect shade of pink. A rose is just red.
BEATRICE: Oh, do go on.
COLIN: I could stand here for hours! But perhaps we could continue talking somewhere else. Would you like to come up to Chateau Huit?
SERVANT: Oh, no.
BEATRICE: The Castle! Oh, would I ever!
COLIN: Okay then. Let's go. Servant!
[SERVANT stands up, sheepishly, from behind the plant]
BEATRICE: Don't you have a Royal Chariot or something we could go in?
COLIN: Let's... just... walk.
BEATRICE: I've always wanted to ride in a royal chariot!
SERVANT: Um, actually, she can't go with us, sir.
COLIN: What? Why not?
SERVANT: It's... classified.
COLIN: I'm the King.
SERVANT: There's, uh, been an emergency at the Castle, sir. They need your presence immediately.
COLIN: But --
SERVANT: Come on, sir. [takes COLIN's robe]
[Exeunt COLIN and SERVANT.]
BEATRICE: Wait! But -- oh, son of a diseased wilderbeast.
[Exit. Close.]
Act Three
Scene Whatever
[Enter NARRATORS.]
N1: Shall we continue?
N2: Continue what?
N1: The play.
N2: We shall.
N1: Okay.
N2: May I?
N1: You may.
N2: Here I go.
N1: Take it away.
N2: As it came to pass that day, all is as you've seen
And everybody, as it seems, is as they've been.
Lady Dierdre and the servant's plans are pretty hazy,
The peasants are fed up because the King's so lazy
Beatrice was left behind and Mother's just plain crazy.
N1: Such is as it was as they came back to Chateau Huit,
And Colin found there was no incident to meet.
[COLIN and SERVANT are in Chateau Huit.]
COLIN: So what's going on?
SERVANT: Well, actually, nothing.
COLIN: What? Then why'd you call me back here?
SERVANT: [ahem] I, uh, figured it was in your best interests, sir.
COLIN: [poutily] My best interests?! Look, I know what my best interests are, understand?
SERVANT: They certainly aren't those of the community.
COLIN: SHUT UP! Go back and bring the Lady Beatrice here to Chateau Huit at once!
SERVANT: Sir, if I may speak freely...
COLIN: You usually do.
SERVANT: Are you serious about this girl?
COLIN: Of course I am.
SERVANT: Is this pursuit wise, sir?
COLIN: What do you mean?
SERVANT: Well, don't you think you're rushing into this?
COLIN: No, I don't.
SERVANT: But you hardly even know her, sir. I'm mean she could be anybody, a criminal, or a spy!
COLIN: Or a peasant, perhaps?
SERVANT: Well, there is that.
COLIN: Look, Servant, there is no question. She is the one I want.
SERVANT: Yes, but, it's hardly been a day, sir. Maybe you should think about it a while. Get a good night's sleep. Rest on it. Reflect...
COLIN: Perhaps you need to reflect on your position here, servant. I promised her she could come visit Chateau Huit, and visit it she will! Does that "meet with your approval?"
SERVANT: Shall, sir.
COLIN: What?
SERVANT: It's "shall," sir. "Visit it she shall."
COLIN: Shut up and go get her!
SERVANT: What, with all the commotion in the castle?
COLIN: There is no commotion here! Go! Go! Go! Or I'll have your head chopped off!
SERVANT: [sighing] As you wish, sir.
[Exit SERVANT.]
COLIN: I always loved that line.
[Enter KING, a ghost.]
KING: Colin...
COLIN: Oh, what now?
KING: Colin...
COLIN: Yaah!
KING: Oh quit overreacting!
COLIN: Who are you?
KING: I'm your father, for Pete's sake! Don't you recognize your own flesh and blood when you see it?
COLIN: B-but... but, you're dead!
KING: Amazing grasp of the obvious, pea-brain! I can see leadership has done a lot for your astonishing intellect!
[COLIN tries to touch KING.]
You're almost as bad as your mother, you know that?
COLIN: [steps back] You've talked to her?
KING: No, but I've watched her talk to me. It's rather entertaining.
COLIN: W-wha-what are you here for?
KING: Have you been putting the cat out?
COLIN: Whu - yes, of course, every day!
KING: Are you sure? The floor was covered with cat droppings when I came in!
COLIN: You came here to tell me that?!
KING: No! I came here to warn you.
COLIN: Warn me? Of what?
KING: Revolution! Civil unrest! You need to attend to the state of your country, quick. It may already be too late.
COLIN: Oh, no...
KING: Have you married yet?
COLIN: Well, no, but I've met this girl. It might work out; I'll keep trying, really!
KING: No! Forget about that for now. You have more important matters to attend to.
COLIN: Oh, but she'll be here any time now! Look, Dad, I think she really likes me.
KING: And they thought it would never happen! That's good, son. You can still see her, but don't neglect your country.
COLIN: Hey Dad, while we're at it, do you remember where you put the keys to the Royal Chariot?
KING: Son, I told you where they are.
COLIN: No, you didn't.
KING: Just remember this, at least: don't neglect your country!
COLIN: But...
KING: And find a wife!
COLIN: The keys...
KING: And put the cat out!
COLIN: The chariot...
KING: Don't... neglect... your country...
[The KING disappears.]
COLIN: Oh, my, now I'm really confused.
[Enter SERVANT and BEATRICE.]
SERVANT: What else is new?
COLIN: Huh?
SERVANT: Uh, "Lady" Beatrice is here to see you, sir.
COLIN: Oh, good, show her in.
BEATRICE: [stepping forward] [shyly] Hello.
COLIN: Ah, Beatrice! How are you?
BEATRICE: Fine.
COLIN: You look even lovelier than before!
BEATRICE: Oh, no, I couldn't possibly, I only took a bath and put on my best clothes.
SERVANT: [stepping forward with hors d'oeuvre tray] Sausage log, Ma'am?
BEATRICE: Huh? Oh, thank you. [takes one and wolfs it down]
COLIN: It's true! All beautiful you are, my darling,
There is no flaw in you.
BEATRICE: Well, I did get a blemish on my chin this morning.
COLIN: Oh, but it's a very lovely blemish.
BEATRICE: I think I'm breaking out. [takes more from plate and inhales it]
COLIN: Your whole face could be one big blemish and still be as lovely as ever!
BEATRICE: (a little perplexed) Are you calling me one big blemish?
COLIN: Oh, no, never!
BEATRICE: Well, then, let me get this straight, now, are you saying my beauty is comparable to that of a blemish?
COLIN: Well, no, I...
BEATRICE: That's okay, I can take a little constructive criticism, I guess.
COLIN: (now he's confused) Right.
BEATRICE: I mean if that's really what you think...
COLIN: No, no!
Your vision is such that make blind men see
Enough to turn thieves to honesty
With you at my side no happier could I be
So Arise, my darling, come with me
Until the day breaks and the shadows flee
Be my fair bride, and marry me!
BEATRICE: What, with this blemish?
COLIN: Actually, I think that's sauce.
BEATRICE: Oh, well in that case, sure.
COLIN: Wonderful! We must make our plans immediately.
[Enter QUEEN.]
BEATRICE: Who's that?
COLIN: Oh, it's Mother.
BEATRICE: What's she doing?
COLIN: Rubbing her dress.
QUEEN: Out, damned spot! Out, I say! One, two: why, 'tis time to clean it. This dress is musty. Yet who would have thought the King to put so much wine in him?
BEATRICE: Does she do that all the time?
COLIN: More and more now.
QUEEN: What, will this dress ne'er be clean? No more o' that, my lord, no more o' that!
BEATRICE: What ever is she talking about?
COLIN: I swear to you I haven't a clue.
QUEEN: There's the smell of wine still. All the perfumes of Yugoslavia will not sweeten this dress. Oh, oh, oh!
BEATRICE: Yugoslavia?
COLIN: Mother?
QUEEN: Fie, my lord, fie!
COLIN: What?
QUEEN: You know, fie.
COLIN: No, I'm sorry, I don't follow at all.
QUEEN: Fie! Fie! Fie!
BEATRICE: Be free!
[COLIN looks at Beatrice.]
Oh, sorry.
COLIN: Mother, I'd like you to meet Beatrice.
QUEEN: Hello, I've eaten many of your TV dinners.
BEATRICE: Huh?
COLIN: No, not that Beatrice.
QUEEN: Oh. Colin, you're father's dead!
COLIN: Yes, Mother.
QUEEN: You don't understand. I've killed him!
COLIN: You were nowhere near him when he died!
QUEEN: Because of me!
COLIN: Of natural causes.
QUEEN: It's all my fault, I know it!
COLIN: Look, never mind that, I've an important announcement.
QUEEN: More important than the King?
COLIN: We're getting married!
QUEEN: Colin! I hardly think that appropriate. I'm your mother!
COLIN: No, not you and I! Beatrice, Mom, Beatrice!
QUEEN: Oh, she's getting married too? Who's the lucky man?
COLIN: Me!
QUEEN: Don't be silly, you just said you're already getting married.
COLIN: Mother, maybe you should go lie down for a while.
QUEEN: Lie, my Lord?
COLIN: Lie.
QUEEN: Okay.
[Exit QUEEN, but make it take about four or five lines with a real dreamy expression. Like she's drugged up on about 1000 cc's of chlorpromazine. In fact, if you give her a shot right before this scene, and time it right, maybe the chlorpromazine will take effect at exactly this moment.]
COLIN: [to BEATRICE] You'll have to excuse her. She's not altogether there.
BEATRICE: Yes...
COLIN: Come, let's go make our plans...
[Enter DIERDRE.]
COLIN: Lady Dierdre! What a pleasant surprise! What are you doing here?
DIERDRE: Me? Oh. Uh... I just... came by to say 'hi.'
COLIN: Oh? After last time, I thought you'd never be coming back again.
DIERDRE: Well, um, I was in a bad mood that day.
COLIN: Oh, that's okay. Sorry we can't stay and talk, but we have to do a few things. We're getting married!
DIERDRE: Oh really... [pause] Oh, um, well, congratulations! [snidly]
[Exeunt COLIN and BEATRICE.]
DIERDRE: [suddenly fierce] Servant!
[Enter SERVANT.]
SERVANT: Ah, Lady Dierdre, how are you?
DIERDRE: Forget the pleasantries. What's going on?
SERVANT: The King is, uh, getting... married?
DIERDRE: You're darn right he is! I thought I was supposed to marry Colin! You told me he would marry me!
SERVANT: Well, uh, there've been a few... changes.
DIERDRE: Changes! You bet there are changes! Big changes! Changes to your masculinity after I get through with you! And just who is this 'Beatrice' lady anyway?
SERVANT: She's no lady. She's a peasant girl.
DIERDRE: Peasant girl?! He chose a peasant girl instead of me?
SERVANT: Well, you did turn him down, Lady Dierdre.
DIERDRE: Shut up! The nerve of him! This is your fault! I'll have your manhood for this!
SERVANT: Look, calm down, Lady.
DIERDRE: Calm down! Why, I --
SERVANT: Yes, relax. It doesn't matter anyway.
DIERDRE: Doesn't matter? I could have been a Queen!
SERVANT: These are troubled times for nobility in this land anyway, Lady.
DIERDRE: Yes, I suppose it's just as well I'm not the one on the throne.
SERVANT: Well, begging your pardon, ma'am, but I hardly think it matters much.
DIERDRE: What do you mean?
SERVANT: I mean, if a revolution happens, they'd kill you just the same.
DIERDRE: Me?
SERVANT: Yes, you. You're nobility.
DIERDRE: Well, they'd kill you too.
SERVANT: No they wouldn't! I'm just a servant.
DIERDRE: You're the King's servant!
SERVANT: [very slight pause] [with an imperceptible smile, almost as if he is humouring her] Well, maybe.
DIERDRE: And if I die, I would've at least died as a queen, if you hadn't botched things up!
SERVANT: yes, well, I have a new plan that I think will make things go as we intended before.
DIERDRE: If it's anything like your other plan, I can't wait to hear it.
SERVANT: We can exploit King Colin's new weakness -- Queen Beatrice.
DIERDRE: What do you have in mind?
SERVANT: A kidnapping!
[Exeunt. Close scene.]
Scene 2?
[Enter NARRATORS.]
N1: As night fell on the walls of the Castle of Eight,
N2: They all play in the hands of a merciless fate.
N1: That didn't make sense.
N2: Yes it did.
[Cue lights on BEATRICE in bed.]
BEATRICE: I slept, but my heart was awake.
I sat and counted each second gone by.
Listen! Is that him?
O come, my darling Colin!
I hardly know what to say
What to do,
When I'm around him
Whatever could a king want with a peasant like me?
I'll just go,
I'll go and open the door for him,
And tell him how I truly feel.
[Opens the door.]
But alas! He is not there!
When will he come for me?
N1: Excuse us.
BEATRICE: Huh?
N1: We're supposed to be narrating this play.
N2: Yeah, and besides, you're not even rhyming!
BEATRICE: Well, it's called free verse, and maybe I'm just talking to myself.
N1: Well, I think we can do the job. Observe:
N2: She looked for him but did not find him.
She called for him --
BEATRICE: Colin!
N2: -- but he did not answer.
N1: Then the servant came for her as he carried out his evil plan.
[Enter SERVANT.]
SERVANT: What are you doing here?
N2: We're the narrators.
N1: We're supposed to be here.
SERVANT: Well, go away, you're ruining the scene.
BEATRICE: I told you.
N1: [as they back away] He beat her, he bruised her, and he took her away, that wicked Servant!
BEATRICE: Ah! Ow! No! Help! Colin!
SERVANT: I'm afraid you won't be seeing him again, my lady.
BEATRICE: Narrators! Help!
N1: Oh, no! We're not in this scene, remember?
BEATRICE: [as she is dragged away] Oh, if you find the king,
What will you tell him?
Tell him I love him.
N2: The servant charged her with conspiracy to murder our dear king,
N1: And locked her in the dungeon in chains and iron rings.
[Enter COLIN, DIERDRE, and SERVANT.]
COLIN: What happened? Where's Beatrice?
SERVANT: She's dead, sir.
COLIN: Dead?!
SERVANT: Yes, some men tried to take her through the window, but they all fell to the moat below. You have my condolences, sir.
COLIN: I'm holding you responsible for this!
SERVANT: A true disaster. If I may offer my humblest apologies, sir.
COLIN: You may not.
DIERDRE: All is not lost.
COLIN: Why?
DIERDRE: Well, you still have a wife, if the offer is still open.
COLIN: What, you? You once called me foolish and incompetent.
DIERDRE: Oh, but now I see the emotion in you, the suffering you've gone through. Your true caring and um, [cough] sincerity.
COLIN: Really?
DIERDRE: Oh, yes!
COLIN: I- I -- must go think about things. Everybody, go, leave me alone for a while, I need to think!
[Exeunt.]
Scene 'Em All
[Enter NARRATORS.]
N2: Colin moped and weeped over Beatrice every night,
While Beatrice stayed locked up good and tight.
N1: But being pretty desperate on his bachelor plight,
Colin married Dierdre, much to her delight.
N2: Wait a minute.
N1: What?
N2: I'm lost.
N1: What about?
N2: I thought Colin and Beatrice were getting married.
N1: They were, but not anymore.
N2: But he loves Beatrice!
N1: But he thinks she's dead.
N2: Oh, but Dierdre wanted to kill him!
N1: Yes.
N2: So why does she want to marry him?
N1: So she can be queen.
N2: But Colin's mother's the queen!
N1: But she's crazy.
N2: Oh. And... Beatrice is dead?
N1: No! She's in jail.
N2: Oh! Then why doesn't Colin just let her out?
N1: Because he doesn't know she's in jail.
N2: Well some husband he'd be! Doesn't even know when his wife's in jail!
N1: [sigh] No, no, no! Look -- the servant put Beatrice in jail and didn't tell the king.
N2: Some servant he is!
N1: He did it on purpose.
N2: Why?
N1: Because he doesn't want them to get married.
N2: Oh! He wants to marry Beatrice!
N1: No!
N2: He wants to marry Colin?
N1: No! No! He doesn't want to marry anybody! He wants to kill Colin!
N2: I thought Dierdre wanted to kill Colin?
N1: They both do!
N2: They can't both be queen.
N1: Ugh!
N2: So who's gonna kill him?
N1: I give up!
N2: Who does Beatrice want to kill?
N1: Nobody!
N2: Well, I'd want to kill somebody after being put in a dungeon all this time.
N1: [sigh] Whatever you say.
N2: And Dierdre's crazy?
N1: No, Colin's mother is crazy.
N2: And now, she killed Colin's father.
N1: No, she only thinks she did.
N2: So Colin killed his father?
N1: No, nobody killed Colin's father!
N2: [proudly] Then why's he dead?
N1: Natural causes!
N2: Okay, so Beatrice marries Colin and becomes his mother, Dierdre and the servant are hiding in plots and having an affair together, Dierdre wants to marry his mother to become Colin, and Colin went crazy and killed all the peasants and now everybody's after him.
N1: No! No! No! Look, Beatrice is in jail, Colin's marrying Dierdre, Dierdre and the servant want to kill Colin, the peasants are revolting, and mother is crazy!
N2: Seems to me Colin has the wrong person in jail and the wrong person on the altar.
N1: Exactly.
N2: Oh. And that's why Colin wants to kill himself!
N1: NO! He doesn't want to kill himself!
N2: Then who does he want to kill?
N1: Nobody!
N2: Doesn't he want to kill the peasants?
N1: No.
N2: But the peasants stink.
N1: I didn't say that!
N2: You did! You said they're revolting!
N1: [sigh] It doesn't matter, the audience knows, anyway.
N2: I don't see how. It's a miracle they stay.
Why don't you say what you were going to say?
N1: And so we come to their wedding day.
N2: Whose wedding day?
N1: Shut up!
[Exit NARRATORS in usual fashion.]
[Enter SERVANT, followed by COLIN and DIERDRE.]
SERVANT: [bored voice] Announcing their royal and utterly cool newlyweds, King Colin and Queen of the Damned --
DIERDRE: [hits SERVANT] Dierdre!
SERVANT: -- Dierdre! Queen Dierdre!
COLIN: Oh, I hate crowds.
DIERDRE: It certainly is a marvelous turnout.
COLIN: Yes, and lovely weather for it too. Oh, look, there's Lord Taylor! I must go apologize to him for Mother. I'll be right back.
SERVANT: My lady --
DIERDRE: Yes, what is it?
SERVANT: The peasant Beatrice has escaped.
DIERDRE: What?!
SERVANT: Beatrice has esc --
DIERDRE: [hits SERVANT] I heard you! I thought one couldn't escape the dungeon?
SERVANT: So did I.
DIERDRE: How could you be so careless?
SERVANT: Me?
DIERDRE: Now she'll run to Colin and foil all our plans!
SERVANT: No, she won't. She thinks Colin's the one who ordered her put in jail. She'll stay as far away from him as possible.
DIERDRE: I hope you're right.
SERVANT: This just couldn't have happened at a more inconvenient time.
DIERDRE: Why?
[Enter QUEEN, running, out of breath.]
QUEEN: Colin! Colin! The peasants are uprising! They're coming to arms! It's a revolution!
COLIN: [returning to center stage] What? That's nice, mother.
QUEEN: They're rioting in the streets!
COLIN: They're just exercising.
QUEEN: They're out to get us!
COLIN: Now, Mother, that's a little paranoid, even for you.
SERVANT: [looking out a window] She's right, sir. The people are attacking the castle!
COLIN: What? What! Attacking? Why didn't somebody say something?
SERVANT: I believe your mother tried to.
COLIN: She's always saying things like that. Here, let me see. [goes to look out window]
QUEEN: Oh, what are we going to do? What are we going to do?
COLIN: Calm down, Mother.
DIERDRE: We are safe here, aren't we?
SERVANT: Of course we are.
COLIN: Look at all those torches!
DIERDRE: What if they get in?
SERVANT: I don't know about you, but I'd be leaving.
COLIN: There must be a thousand points of light down there.
DIERDRE: What should we do?
SERVANT: Don't look at me, you guys are the decision makers.
DIERDRE: Thanks, advisor.
COLIN: One, two, three...
QUEEN: Let's consult our magic teddy bear! [pulls out stuffed bear] Cedric... Cedric...
DIERDRE: Colin, shouldn't we do something?
COLIN: Huh?
SERVANT: Yes, sir, it's time for action.
COLIN: You're right. I just have no idea what that is.
SERVANT: How about a counterattack?!
COLIN: Alright, alright, I know! Give me a minute. This is my first siege, it doesn't come naturally, you know!
DIERDRE: Oh, I feel so protected.
SERVANT: Sir!?
COLIN: Um... is the gate locked?
SERVANT: Yes.
COLIN: And the drawbridge up?
SERVANT: [sigh] Yes.
COLIN: Good. Await further orders.
SERVANT: [double sigh] Yes, sir.
[Exeunt COLIN and DIERDRE.]
[SERVANT takes a look out window, then turns and exits.]
QUEEN: Why wasn't I invited to the block party?
[Exit QUEEN.]
Scene 4
[Enter NARRATOR 1.]
N1: Meanwhile, the Servant had business outside the castle...
[Enter SERVANT and PEASANT1.]
PEASANT1: This is a safe place.
SERVANT: Good. I see everything started smoothly?
PEASANT1: Yeah. Where's our money?
SERVANT: Here. [hands him money]
PEASANT1: Thank you.
SERVANT: Just keep going as planned. The back door will be unlocked.
P1: Anything else?
SERVANT: Yes. One of our prisoners have escaped. It would be convenient if she were shot in all the confusion.
P1: Who is she?
SERVANT: Beatrice.
P1: Beatrice? She's one of our best fighters!
SERVANT: Is she? How interesting!
P1: You want me to off her anyway?
SERVANT: No. No. Let's see what happens. [smiles] Keep up the good work.
[Exit SERVANT.]
PEASANT1: [shrugs] Whatever.
[Exit.]
Act Four
Scene 1
[COLIN is standing in a room in Chateau Huit. Enter SERVANT.]
COLIN: Servant! Where've you been?
SERVANT: [panting slightly] [or, maybe not] I've been outside, sir.
COLIN: Really? What did you see?
SERVANT: I've discovered the resistance headquarters. I also found out they're planning to take the castle tonight. And, something else...
COLIN: What?
SERVANT: I saw your friend Beatrice on the other side... It seemed she didn't die. She was a spy!
COLIN: She's alive?
SERVANT: And a spy.
COLIN: Impossible! She wouldn't do that.
SERVANT: I saw it.
COLIN: She's not working for them, she's their prisoner! They're holding her! Those fiends! They made me think she was dead! They're stupid, simple-minded... carpets!
SERVANT: Carpets?
COLIN: Yes, I step on them! No, they're not even worthy of my feet. They're... they're... they're carpet samples! Yes, that's what they are, horrible, tasteless, pastel-colored carpet samples! They're not playing by the rules, you know.
SERVANT: Sir?
COLIN: No, they've gone too far now. I must go out there!
SERVANT: You can't, sir! They're fighting in the streets as we speak. It's much too dangerous out there!
COLIN: But Beatrice is out there!
SERVANT: She must be long gone by now. She probably went into hiding after she saw I discovered her.
COLIN: She's not a spy! You can't expect me to just do nothing. I'm going.
[Exit COLIN.]
SERVANT: No, wait, I -- oh, son of a motherless goat.
[Enter DIERDRE, sneaking, suspiciously.]
DIERDRE: How is it going?
SERVANT: It's all fouled up.
DIERDRE: What happened?
SERVANT: Colin's going out to look for Beatrice.
DIERDRE: [biffs SERVANT] And you didn't expect that?
SERVANT: Why am I always getting hit in this play?
DIERDRE: But don't you see? He can't find her! It'll ruin everything!
SERVANT: Relax. We're safe. In fact, this is just what we want.
DIERDRE: Oh?
SERVANT: Yes! Think about it. He's going right into the battle. He'll most surely die, taking care of our plans for us!
DIERDRE: What if he doesn't die? What if he and Beatrice walk back into the castle together?
SERVANT: They won't.
DIERDRE: Why not?
SERVANT: He won't survive. I'm going to make sure of it.
[Exit SERVANT.]
DIERDRE: What? Huh... [clicks tongue, rolls eyes.]
[Exit DIERDRE.]
Scene 2
[Enter NARRATORS.]
N1: So they went out and Dierdre paced the floor,
N2: But we mustn't forget the unlocked door.
N1: Oh come on. They know that, they're keeping score!
N2: Alright! Alright! You don't have to get sore!
Everyone will get theirs and what's more,
N1: Stay seated and watch, we do implore.
[Enter Dierdre.]
DIERDRE: Oh, when will they get back? It's late. Maybe they didn't make it.
[Voices are heard in the distance.]
Maybe that's them now. Colin? Servant?
[Enter PEASANTS.]
P2: There's his bride!
DIERDRE: Who are you?
P3: Take her!
DIERDRE: What? I'm not his bride! Um, I don't live here! Heh!
P2: Take her anyway.
DIERDRE: No, wait! Where are you taking me?
P1: To the guillotine, with everyone else!
DIERDRE: Oh, no. Colin! Servant! I knew I should've just stayed home this week.
[Exeunt.]
Scene 3
[outside, in the country. Enter COLIN and NARRATORS. Spotlight on COLIN.]
COLIN: When love is lost and your heart falls
Have no fear and stand your ground
I'll look for you when midnight calls
Til your heart is what I've found.
N1: All night long he looked --
COLIN: Excuse me -- I think I can tell this.
[N2 snickers.]
All night long I looked,
I looked for my queen but did not find her.
I will go throughout the city, through its streets and squares;
I will search for my queen.
So I searched for her but did not find her,
And then as the midnight called, I heard a voice.
Scarcely had I heard it
When fate took its course.
N1: [Aside, as he and N2 exeunt] Whoever heard of the main character narrating for himself?
PEASANT1: Stand back! Who is it that passes through this night?
COLIN: I am looking for someone. A lady, dark hair, about this tall -- have you seen her?
PEASANT1: Identify yourself!
COLIN: I am King Colin, ruler of this land.
PEASANT2: It's him! It's the King! Kill him!
COLIN: Wait a minute! I have no quarrel with you.
PEASANT3: Well, we have a quarrel with you, good Sir Colin.
COLIN: I'm just looking for Lady Beatrice.
PEASANT2: She's dead!
COLIN: Dead?
PEASANT1: Ssh! We don't care about your Queen, "King." Soon that will be the least of your worries.
COLIN: But I've done nothing to you!
PEASANT1: [pause] Uh-huh. Get him.
COLIN: Do you think I like this? Do you think I like being King? Being despised, and hated by you, my own people? You claim you have nothing, that I take everything away from you, but it's you who have taken away the one thing that matters to me! You still have each other. Friends. People who love you. Now I may not even have that anymore. If I had nothing, and someone to share it with, I'd be truly happy!
PEASANT3: My friends... are dying of starvation.
COLIN: What do you want? Do you want my throne? Do you want my kingdom? Fine; take it! I never wanted it anyway!
PEASANT1: We want your life. Take him.
COLIN: [spat] Never.
[Okay, I realize an actor probably won't be able to spit in the middle of a scene, as his/her mouth has gone dry from the anticipation of the performance. But try, Colin, try. You don't have to actually spit anyway. That would get the stage floor wet and slippery.
[Exit COLIN, running.]
[Exit PEASANTS, chasing after COLIN.]
Scene 4
[A graveyard. Not just any graveyard, but Shakespeare's graveyard. This is important. One tombstone shall read "R.I.P. Shakespeare". Enter NARRATOR 2.]
N2: It gets unsafe when the nighttime falls
But love is nothing until the darkness calls
When the stars shine brighter in an ink black sky
Revealing in two faces the horrible lie.
[Enter COLIN, out of breath. Exit NARRATOR.]
COLIN: [looks back over his shoulder] Need to stop -- rest. I'll just rest here for a minute. [long pause] I can't believe this is happening. I've lost everything. My love, my home, my life -- why go on? Why try? If only Beatrice were still alive I'd have a reason. [pause, then yelling] Beatrice!
BEATRICE: [distant] Colin?
COLIN: Beatrice! You're alive!
[Enter BEATRICE.]
BEATRICE: No thanks to you.
COLIN: Is it true? Are you really with the revolutionaries?
BEATRICE: Well I'm certainly not on your side.
COLIN: I don't get it. What happened?
BEATRICE: What do you mean? You know very well what happened, you double-crossing tyrant!
COLIN: But you loved me!
BEATRICE: You expect me to love you after you threw me in jail and marry someone else?
COLIN: Jail? I didn't throw you in jail!
BEATRICE: What? Your palseated excuse for a bodyguard came and read the charges himself, before locking me in your dungeon!
COLIN: He told me you were dead...
BEATRICE: He did?
COLIN: Beatrice, I'm so sorry! I didn't know...
[Enter SERVANT.]
SERVANT: Drop your sword, King Colin.
COLIN: Sword? I don't have it drawn.
SERVANT: Oh. I knew that.
COLIN: Servant! What's going on?
SERVANT: Come on, think for once, King.
BEATRICE: He took me and made me think you did it.
SERVANT: [draws sword] It's a pity you found out.
COLIN: [draws sword] A pity for you.
SERVANT: Oh, I don't think so. It makes it much more simple. Nobody will question your dead body out here -- tonight. In fact, they might even applaud me. Make me King.
COLIN: You? King? Ha!
SERVANT: Tonight, anything can happen. I plan to be on that throne tomorrow morning.
COLIN: Not while I'm alive.
SERVANT: What do you care anymore? I thought you didn't want to be King.
COLIN: You've just given me a good reason.
[Enter PEASANTS.]
P1: Drop the weapons!
SERVANT: There's the King! Get him!
P3: You!
COLIN: You know these people?
P1: You lead him to us, you traitor!
COLIN: You were working with them, too?
P1: It might interest you to know he paid us to start the revolution. It seems he's a double agent!
SERVANT: Listen to me, you've got it all wrong!
P2: And now he will pay for his mistakes!
SERVANT: Never!
[SERVANT bursts through crowd of peasants, but gets a sword in his belly in the process. Hey, if you can make this look good, go all out. You know, fake blood, the whole deal. Otherwise, you can just do this behind someone, or behind a tree or another stage prop like the piano.]
[It's up to you]
[I'm not overdoing the stage notes, am I?]
[Just checking.]
[Anyway, SERVANT looks at his mortal wound in disbelief. Ham it up, SERVANT.]
SERVANT: Chaos... is so hard to orchestrate.
[SERVANT falls to the ground, dead. Quickly, right after his line. Don't drag the scene out. I'm warning you. Script writers are very temperamental. While this is happening, COLIN and BEATRICE run off stage.]
P1: The King's getting away! After him!
[Exeunt. Enter COLIN and BEATRICE, opposite stage, running to a stop in center stage.]
COLIN: Keep running, we have to lose them!
[BEATRICE falls over, dead, with an arrow in her back.]
COLIN: Beatrice? No! Not twice in one night!
[Enter PEASANTS. Yes, all of them. As many as you can fit on stage.]
You curs! You murderers! [takes sword again and advances on them]
PEASANT1: Drop your sword, King Colin!
COLIN: How many times is that line gonna be used tonight?
PEASANT1: I said drop it!
COLIN: [hesitates a second, then stands resolutely] No! I'm not gonna stand aside any longer!
PEASANT2: You don't have a choice anymore. We're in control now.
COLIN: You will pay for this.
PEASANT1: It's too late. It's over. You're no longer King.
[COLIN stands, staring at them, sword in hand, for at least 15 seconds. Finally, his grip loosens, and the sword clatters to the floor. He lets his head fall, defeated. The PEASANTS walk past him, toward Chateau Huit. The last one takes his crown from him as he passes. Exeunt PEASANTS. COLIN looks up.]
COLIN: Love means nothing but words in the wind
Love is all things to a lonely friend
And when all is calm and settled the dust
A bell rings the toll of a broken trust
[Bell sounds one o'clock in the distance.]
Love is the leaves off a tree in the fall
That's all this world ever will be
Love means nothing and everything to me
Love will be everything and nothing at all
[Fade lights. Enter NARRATORS. Spotlight on NARRATORS.]
N1: And so ends the story of Colin the King.
N2: Yes. And what will our little play unveil?
True love is but a fairy tale!
For though the writers will persist,
True love forever will resist
Every method found on the list;
Man will always live from hand to fist
For "Happily ever after" does not exist.
N1: True, these things are meaningless
But not all can be meaningful
So fill our lives with emptiness
But give the curtain one more pull:
A single star shines brighter
Than a thousand moons at night
And a man can only find true love
When his love is right.
[Exeunt.]